


Falling

by SilasSolarius



Series: Angel with a Broken Heart [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Child Death, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Victim Blaming, Italian Mafia, M/M, Mpreg, Secret Marriage, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 12:42:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21253568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilasSolarius/pseuds/SilasSolarius
Summary: There is more to Alec’s past than his family has ever known. They didn’t know that he’s been in love once before Magnus. That he’d suffered pains and losses no one should ever have to have experienced.





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest, I'm not too sure about posting this one. But...here it is...

* * *

**Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.**

* * *

He was sixteen when he fell in love for the first time.

Sick of hearing his parents praise Jace and compare him to the blonde with every passing moment, he'd snuck out of the institute, taking only his stele and his seraph blade and gone to a nearby park. The park had been one of his favorite places to escape the bustle of the Institute, especially at night when there were only a few stray mundanes wandering about. There was a bench there, situated right in front of a fountain, and he loved watching the fish there.

It was calming.

He'd gone, hoping the sight would soothe the ache of not being good enough, but to his surprise, when he arrived there was already someone there.

A mundane man, who looked about four or five years his senior, with long crimson hair streaked with black, and vivid blue-green eyes. He wore simple sweatpants and a t-shirt that seemed to strain around his bulging muscles, his expression bereft as he gazed into the fountain.

It was an expression that tugged at his heart, even as the sight of him made Alec's heart speed up.

"A-are you alright?" He asked, suddenly glad he hadn't glamoured himself before leaving. The man started, and turned to him, their eyes meeting and he blushed.

"Ye-uh-Yes. Yeah." The man stammered, a matching flush crossing his cheeks and Alec felt his lips twitch into a tiny smile. The man seemed to suddenly remember where he was sitting, because he cleared his throat.

"Did you- were you wanting to sit here?"

The teen shrugged. "You look like you need to be there more than I do." He moved closer to the fountain, smile growing as he watched the fish inside swim.

His companion rolled his eyes. "There's enough room for us both. Its a public bench."

Unbidden, a soft giggle left Alec. "That's true." He held out his hand. "Well benchmate, my name is Alec."

The older man chuckled, but took it, brushing his lips over the back of it. "David. Pleasure to meet you."

The blush from before returned, stronger than before, as he took a seat on the other side of the bench. "Pl-pleasure to meet you too."

David flashed him a soft grin, then turned his gaze back to the fountain and for a moment they sat in silence. Then, he spoke, voice low and grief-ridden.

"Its my uncle's birthday. He passed on six months ago and my father- well they were twins. Father tries to pretend he's moving on, but he isn't and my mother she doesn't make things any better, always bringing him up in their arguments." The older man shrugged self-depreciative. "They were arguing, so I had to get away. What about you?"

Alec bit his lip. "I-" He looked away, unsure why the truth just came spilling from his lips to this stranger. "I'm so tired of not being good enough. I just wanted to forget it for a little while. Pretend that maybe my parents are wrong and that I am just as good as my brother. Just as worthy of their attention." He shrugged. "Its stupid."

David shook his head. "It isn't. Our parents' approval is something we all strive for. They are the people that hold the most sway over us, even when we don't want them to."

His eyes burned, remembering the way his father had smiled proudly at Izzy's handling of her whip, then turned and critiqued his archery, not realizing it had been neglected so he could train Izzy in using the whip. How his mother had kissed Jace's cheek warmly then turned to berate him in the same breath for losing a match to the younger boy, without acknowledging that he'd been the one to teach him in the first place. Then he remembered David's reason for being on the bench so late.

"I'm sorry. You're grieving and here I am unloading my issues on you." He moved to stand. "I should probably leave and let you grieve in peace."

A gentle, but calloused hand curled around his own, keeping him in his seat. "Don't go. Please, I don't mind listening. I just don't want to think about my life right now."

His cheeks flamed, but he nodded mutely, turning back to the other. After a moment, David began to speak.

"You know, when we moved here, I hated this city. I missed my home, our Sicilia, and so did my father. But my mama and siblings loved it here. Loved the cultures and the fast paced life here. I missed the country air and our vineyards. Missed my Uncle Alejandro baking in the kitchen, and singing off-key. Missed helping my father and their eldest brother make and bottle the wine. I missed home."

A small smile crossed his lips. "I was ten when we moved here, and yet until only a few years ago, I wanted to be anywhere but this country so far from my home. My uncle Alejandro, he brought me here. Showed me how to see the stars from this bench and how to find the constellations that I'd missed seeing. He told me that one day, I would fall in love in this city. That I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I'm still waiting for that day."

Alec smiled softly, imagining the warm man David's words painted. "He sounds like a romantic."

David chuckled. "Oh yes. Papa always said that Zio was a free spirit, so full of love and laughter. He loved to talk about falling in love and after meeting his late husband, he only grew more infatuated with the emotion. I-" He blushed and looked away. "I have often hoped that one day, I will find someone that makes me feel the same way."

Alec nodded in agreement. "Me too." He replied before sighing, the words leaving his lips before he could stop them. "But my parents would never allow it. They don't even know I'm-"

His mouth snapped shut, his hands flying up to cover it as he realized he'd almost told this stranger his darkest secret.

However, the older male didn't look as disgusted as he'd thought he would, and he idly remembered that the man's uncle had married a man.

David sighed and stood, offering him a hand.

"C'mon."

Alec stiffened. "Where are we going?"

His companion smirked and pointed at the ice cream parlor across the street.

"We need ice cream."

The teen hesitated, knowing that it probably wasn't the safest idea he'd ever entertained. However, for whatever reason he trusted the man, for all that he had just met him.

Allowing a tiny smile to cross his lips, he took the offered hand and followed the man.

He never regretted it, especially when the red-head gifted him with a warm smile of his own.

Hours later, when they finally left the ice cream parlor, he returned to the institute with butterflies in his stomach and a hastily scribbled phone number in hand.

It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

***/***

He fell fast, exceedingly so.

David was so easy to talk to, despite him being unable to tell the man that he was a Nephilim, and he found himself opening up to him quicker than he had anyone he'd ever met.

In addition, the man seemed to bring out the humor he often kept him behind his perfect soldier façade, the warmth he'd locked away from anyone other than his siblings so long ago. He made him laugh and didn't judge him, listening as he lamented the fact that he couldn't come out to his parents. As he lamented the fact that his siblings were growing older and no longer needed him.

They went to movies, to parks, even to the theatre. The man took him to the vineyards, setting up a picnic under the moonlight for them to enjoy, never minding that all of their dates took place at night long after the rest of the city was in bed.

He made it so easy to love him.

So easy to just be Alec, or Xander, as the man loved to call him.

_("Why do you call me that?"_

_A slight blush crossed the man's cheeks, starkly visible even with his deeply tanned skin. "Xander?"_

_He nodded._

"_Because everyone else has a nickname that reminds you of them, so I- I wanted one to remind you of me."_

_Alec smiled shyly. "As if I'd ever forget you.")_

He found himself texting the man whenever he was free, a small smile curling his lips as they exchanged words. Calling him on the nights that they couldn't meet, talking long into the night, even when his voice was beginning to fade and sleep was creeping in.

It was such a change that even his siblings noted it, commenting that they were glad he was happy and speculating what could've changed though he dared not tell them. Them, nor his parents.

It should've changed when he learned just what David and his family were involved in and why they'd moved to the states.

Should've changed, when he learned that David's father was the head of the Vitalino Family, the single most powerful Spanish-Italian mundane crime organization in America. When he learned that David's mother was one of the single most prolific assassins in the world.

When he learned that Alejandro, his boyfriend's most beloved uncle, had committed suicide after losing his husband in a fight against a rival famiglia.

He'd heard of the mundane crime families in passing, but had never expected to become embroiled in their affairs. Not until David had admitted it to him with fear in his eyes.

"I'd- I'd understand if you want to leave, Xan." The elder had whispered, head bowed and he'd started at words, stunned that the thought hadn't even crossed his mind.

"I won't."

The hope in those ocean colored eyes had been surreal. "Why?"

He shrugged, curling closer to the man as his arms wound around him. "I-I don't know, honestly. Perhaps, its because I know you. Perhaps, I am naïve. Perhaps, it is because I love you."

David's head shot up. "What?"

Alec blushed and bit his lip. "I love you. I know I should be running in the other direction, should leave, but I can't."

His boyfriend beamed, kissing him until he was breathless.

"I love you too, Xander." He kissed him again. "_I love you_."

He moaned, smiling into the kiss, shuddering as it grew more passionate. David pulled away, hesitation clear in his eyes. Swallowing nervously, he nodded, gasping as the man began to kiss down his throat, nipping the deflect rune tattooed on his neck.

"You sure? I-we can wait." He whispered and Alec nodded, sliding a hesitant hand under his boyfriend's shirt, arching as the older male ground down against him. Calloused hands slid up his sides and under his shirt leaving goosebumps in their wake, the garment briefly obscuring his view before it vanished completely. Once it was gone however, his lover froze and his heart leapt into his throat.

How could he have forgotten the runes and scars that covered nearly every inch of his torso. He looked away in shame, one arm coming up in a vain attempt of covering them.

"W-who did this?" David asked, gently pushing the arm away and tracing the silvery scars with his fingers, his touch feather-light.

His heart raced, and he found himself wanting to confide in him.

"I-I-" He swallowed deciding that perhaps the man was worth the leap of faith.

"Do you believe in angels?"

David nodded and with a shaky breath, Alec nodded and allowed his life to spill from his lips.

He spoke of the angel Raziel, and the history of the Clave. Spoke of the darkness that was the first war against Valentine and of how his family had moved from Spain after his sister was born to escape.

How he'd been trained as a shadowhunter since he was old enough to walk and how the Clave didn't accept relationships that didn't fit their honor.

_(Male-Male_

_Woman-Woman_

_Shadowhunter-Mundane_

_Shadowhunter-downworlder)_

How the prejudice curdled his blood and left him terrified in his own home, of his family, of their superiors.

He spoke until his voice had long gone hoarse, having come to be laying in his beloved's arms as the man stroked his hair.

When he finally fell silent, the older man pulled him into a strong embrace, their lips slotting together as if they belong.

"Fuck, Angel. You're amazing." He breathed against Alec's lips and the teen blushed, looking away.

The older man pulled away, and raised his hand to his lips.

"Marry me."

Alec jolted and stared at him wide-eyed, wondering if he was joking, but the look in those aquamarine eyes was deadly serious.

"W-what?"

"I don't have a ring, yet, but when I do, I want you to marry me. Our lives are dangerous, and it's almost a guarantee that we're gonna die young. I don't want to die wondering what it would've felt like being married to you, Angel."

He nodded in agreement, heart pounding as he weighed those words, moaning as the older man brushed a hand over the gentle swell of his ass.

"Plus, I was to have you on our wedding night and know that you are mine forever."

Alec smiled, the love he felt for the man holding him stronger than he'd ever felt. "I've never been to a mundane wedding before." He mused. "It makes sense that the first I attend would be my own."

David's grin could've shamed the sun.

The man presents him with a silver ring, three princess cut diamonds set in it three days later.

He never removes it from his person.

***/***

The planning of the wedding is a lively affair.  
He finds himself overwhelmed when he meets David's family, who welcome him with warm smiles and open arms.

Michael, David's father, pulls him into a hug while Liza, his mother kisses his cheek and immediately begins to regal him with tales of David's childhood.

Daniel, David's baby brother joins them, adding his input while subtly interrogating Alec about his intentions toward the redhead and it settles something in him.

It also makes him vividly aware of the pain he feels around his own family and he finds himself wondering how he felt so much more at home around these virtual strangers than he did his own.

At his side, his beloved smiles and jokes, one arm wound around his waist and it feels like everything he'd ever wanted. He leaves with a tin of baked goods courtesy of Liza and the promise from Michael that if he ever needed anything they were there for him.

Once he returns to the institute, his own mother accosts him, her gaze cold as she berates him for missing practice that day.

He listened, heart growing heavier with each word and when she finished, he went to his room...and cried.

***/***

He gets married two months later, on his rare day off at the institute.

It's easy to sneak away from the building, despite it being the day he turned seventeen because none of his family members ever paid too much attention anyways. Max had been the only one to notice, the tiny three year old wishing him happy birthday with wet kisses to his cheek and the offer of a soggy half eaten cookie.

The church they'd decided on was only a few blocks away from the institute, his heart pounding a rapid staccato in his chest at the thought that this was truly happening.

He was getting married.

Slipping into the building unnoticed, he goes to the room they'd decided on weeks before, straightening the sleek off-white suit cladding his frame.

"Nervous?"

He turned to Liza and shook his head. "No, I-" He shrugged. "The whole walk here it was like I was close to a panic attack, but just thinking about him waiting for me, calmed me down. I-I love him."

His soon-to-be mother-in-law smile warmly, blue eyes dancing. "I know, dear. C'mon, Michael is going to walk you down the aisle."

He nodded, exhaling breathily. "Is this really happening?"

She giggled, kissing his cheek. "You'll be fine, Alex." She assured him, taking his elbow and leading him from the room. Michael met them outside the doors, a gentle smile on his lips. It was an expression he'd never seen on his own father and his heart clenched, before he shoved the emotion away.

"You look wonderful, Alex."

Alec blushed. "T-thanks." He replied, winding an arm through the don's arm. As the music began to play.

The wedding was a beautiful affair, the night following more than he could've ever dreamed of.

Perhaps he should've seen it as an omen of what was yet to come.

After all, he was never meant to be happy.

***/***

Legend had it, that in ancient times, back when downworlders and shadowhunters lived in unity, some male shadowhunters had been born with the gift of Mihael, the angel of fertility.

The ability to bear children.

He'd likened it to mere legend, at least until four months after his wedding found him collapsing on his way to his and David's shared flat.

When he awakened, it was to kind dark eyes, a man no older than maybe his mid thirties, leaning over him in concern.

"Are you alright?"

He nodded, sitting up with a wince, glad he had his weapons glamoured. "What happened?"

"You passed out in front of my bar. Luckily, you and your child are both okay." Alec felt his brain come to a halt as the man continued to speak. "Probably just the exhaustion. Are you supposed to still be using your runes this late in your pregnancy?"

The thought that the man was obviously aware of the shadow world didn't register to Alec, instead he focused on the most shocking thing in the man's sentence.

"P-pregnancy?"

His savior froze, then cursed lowly. "You didn't know?"

He shook his head, feeling faint all of a sudden. "I-how is this possible? I'm a male."

"You're a male _shadowhunter_, child. Though it is not taught anymore, it is possible for those blessed by Mihael with the ability to birth children, though they also sacrifice their ability to sire them. It is why the Clave forbids homosexuality in the first place, to prevent the Blessed from bearing more with the gift."

He looked up at his savior, and his eyes widened as he finally recognized who he was speaking to.

"Uncle Luke?" The man had been close friends with his mother before Izzy was born, however when they'd moved to the New York Institute when Alec was five, he'd stopped coming around, although no one ever told him why.

Luke blinked, glancing at the dark haired teen, his heart lurching as he took in the inky deflect rune on the boy's neck.

"Alec? How- oh, kiddo. What have you gotten yourself into?"

He shuddered, an arm curling around his waist, as he wondered how his husband would react. "I- I have no idea."

"Do your parents know?"

He shook his head, biting his lip. "As you said, being...the way I am is forbidden. Father would sooner kill me than have a gay child."

"And the father of your child? Does he know?"

Alec nodded. "Yes." Staggering to his feet, he sent the man a wan smile as he remembered how late it was.

"I have to go." After a quick moment of indecision he hugged the older man.

"It was nice seeing you look. Maybe...maybe I could visit again one day?"

Something dark flashed in his surrogate uncle's eyes, before the man turned away from him to head back in the building.

"Go home, Alec. A downworlder bar is no place for a shadowhunter."

He bit his lip and moved to follow, before changing his mind and heading in the original direction he'd been going, heart aching. Yet all the while, he could only wonder how his David would react to the news.

And how his family would react…

*/*

The reaction was...bittersweet.

David's family, were amazed, taking his nephilim nature in stride with sure heads and the same warmth they'd welcomed him into their family with.

David...David does not.

His husband had been furious, snarling that if Alec had bothered to ask, he'd have known that David had never wanted children. He'd have known that David was not a kid person in the slightest, that he was too young for such a responsibility.

That it wasn't one he wanted.

It was their first fight as a couple.

It was also the first time his beloved had ever raised a hand to him.

He apologized the next day, tearful gaze locked on the bruises his rage had left behind.

He promised it would be the last and only time that ever happened.

He lied.

It wasn't the last…

From there, their relationship seemed to deteriorate.

He found himself returning to the institute wearing glamours to hide the bruises. Found himself terrified of facing the man he loved when he returned to their home. He became familiar with the awful scent of hard liquor and the way it seemed to cling to his husband's skin on the days he was able to get away from the institute to spend time with him.

He found himself yearning and dreading the days when he'd arrive to find David in a good mood, his arms warm and inviting as he sang to the old tunes he loved to play around the house. The days when the man told him he loved him and seemed to be himself again instead of the terrifying being that lurked in Alec's nightmares.

Even worse...he began to believe he deserved it.

When the beatings came, the violent couplings, he told himself that if he'd just taken David's wishes into account this wouldn't be happening. If he were a better husband then perhaps his David would come to his senses and love him again. Perhaps, if he could show David that their child was a gift not a curse he would love them again.

And if he cried himself to sleep more often than not,

Well no one had to know.

***/***

He gave birth alone and terrified in his and David's flat, his husband having vanished for a meeting with some crime bosses a few states away.

A son.

The boy was small, weighing less than six pounds, with eyes the same beautiful blue-green as his father and a shock of curly raven dark hair the color of his own messy locks. His skin, once cleaned of the birthing fluids, is warm and soft, just a few shades darker than his own and as soon as he lays eyes upon him, he falls in love.

How could he not when the babe is a perfect mix of the two of them? When he gazes up at him with such innocence and wonder?

He named him Alejandro Mikael, after the uncle his husband had lost and the father that had accepted him into his family with a warmth he'd never felt from his own. Once the child is fed and settled, he calls his in laws to tell them the news.

It was the first time he'd heard Michael cry.

***/***

Balancing his lives became more difficult following Alejandro's birth, and later he would think that perhaps that would be why he never saw things coming to a head as they did.

David, despite his former protests and abhorrence of the idea, takes to their son like a fish to water, the ever present rage coiling his muscles cooling and leaving in its wake, a man Alec had thought he'd never see again.

The beatings become sparse, the violent coupling even more so, his husband working to slow his drinking to manageable levels. Alec begins to take on more work at the institute, especially as his eighteenth birthday approached, but somehow they managed to make it work.

He found himself eager to leave the institute at each night, to come home to his family, and when he takes over as acting head of the institute at eighteen, he began to long for the day that his lives would come together. The dream grew stronger as the days passed, as his and David's marriage seemed to heal beyond the days when his husband lost control of his anger. Then just after their four year anniversary-

Alejandro was killed.

They'd only just returned to their apartment, the little three year old giggling as his father sang to his mother. Alec had been drifting to sleep to the combined sounds of his family, his heart lighter than it had been in years.

There had been no warning.

The door to their home was kicked in, a group of men storming in guns blazing, looking for revenge on Michael for the death of a member of their famiglia. Alec had immediately curled around their son as he screamed, biting his lip to keep from crying out as several of the shots struck him.

As quickly as it began, it was over, the men fleeing the building only moments later and Alec realized with startling clarity that Alejandro was silent, not a single sniffle or whimper leaving the toddler's lips.

With a sinking feeling in his chest, he looked down at his baby- and screamed.

One of the shots had hit him in the chest before Alec had been able to shield him.

He'd bled out before the shooting had even finished.

Beside him, David lay in a similar state, blood pooling around his cooling form.

The screams that left the nephilim could've brought even the strongest man to tears.

And when they finally pulled him away from his family's cooling bodies- not single person in the room could repress a shudder when his empty gaze met theirs.

Especially when he stood, wounded, and left without a word.

When news of the Rico famiglia's destruction came only hours later.

It was the day that the mundane underground learned a new name to fear.

Xander Vitalino, the Banshee.

A day later, Alexander Lightwood-Vitalino, walks away from the graves of his family, with the numb promise of join them again soon.

An hour after that he places five envelopes on his pillow in his bedroom at the institute, one addressed to each of his family members, and walks away.

He finds himself back in the graveyard, toying with the intertwined bands hanging on a leather cord around his neck, a sleek silver pistol lying in his lap.

For a while, he just speaks, talks to the fresh mounds of dirt lying in front of him, then as the sun sets below the horizon, he places his gun in his mouth- and pulls the trigger.

For a moment, he was at peace. He could see David and Michael waiting for him in a shroud of white light, however as he stepped forward, his husband gave him a sad smile.

"Sorry, _amato_." The spirit whispers. "It is not your time yet."

The light vanishes as he protests and-

And he awakens in the graveyard with a pair of abyssal black wings and pain in his heart.

Only a minute or so had passed.

He screams.

He screams and rages and cries.

Then, with the practice of years, he shoves it all down and forces himself to go numb.

He buries the memories, the pain.

The love, the anger.

The _grief_.

And he vows that he would never let himself be so stupid and fall for the illusion of happiness again.

When he leaves the cemetery, only Alexander Lightwood is left, Alexander Vitalino buried with his husband and son.

The years pass in a haze of pretending, of numbness.

Of grieving on birthdays and anniversaries in the silence of his bedroom, cutting himself off from any and all reminders of the life that had been stolen from him.

From everything but the three rings that hang on a battered leather cord under his shirt and a dark blue baby blanket hidden in his closet wrapped around a battered stuffed lion.

He cuts himself off from his feelings, burning the letters he'd written the night he chose to follow his family, following his vow to never fall in love again.

Then he meets Magnus Bane.


End file.
